You Don't Have To Go Home, But You Shan't Stay Here

Aside from my imaginary brother, George, who brings home lots of hot, ripped guy friends for me, I guess you would consider me an only child. But that doesn't mean I'm spoiled. However, being born and raised in NY does, and apart from other countries I've been to, I'm worried that nothing in this one will ever compare to Manhattan. That being said, I'm screwed. But on the bright side, I have figured out why, although still in disagreement, and after much confusion, people refer to Baltimore as 'Charm City.' They're obviously jaded and terribly misguided, or just sheltered and stupid. Or maybe they're slaves and don't have the authority to say, 'get me the hell out of here.' Nonetheless, since my virginity's gone, I'd like you to take my advice, which can be inferred if reading continues. 


There are only four parts to Baltimore worth mentioning, from best (Fells Point & Canton) to worst (Federal Hill & the Inner Harbor). My first venture around 'Charm City,' although it should be called, 'Harm City' or better yet, 'Piece of Shit. Do Not Enter. Turn Around. Wrong Way. Entering Hell,' was to the Inner Harbor, hence my disdain. It's where tourists gather to see the harbor, bums and criminals join forces to rob, murder, rape and pillage them (technically, not complaining), and the ones that get away celebrate their useless lives at P.F. Changs, Cheesecake Factory or Dicks and finish up their outing by shopping at Target. Matching Orioles pajamas! Death. But there is no real character there. Not to mention it's a disaster to get to, drive through, park or feel safe to walk around, even in broad daylight. So I don't care if Lucy Liu was putting on a free show there, naked, spread eagle and strapped into a harness, proving that Asians do in fact have sideways genitals, stay away from the IH.


The second to worse place in Baltimore is Federal Hill. The first (and last time) I went there, I was relieved to see females in stilettos and the likes, but obviously it takes more than that to make the world a better place. This is a hubble for the younger crowd, so I wouldn't go back. Of course, compared to the Inner Harbor and where I live (Perry Hall, a suburb 15 minutes outside the city), it's okay. I had gyro pizza which was actually awesome, granted anything is actually awesome at 2 a.m. But if you're there for any reason during the day, Ryleigh's Oyster has a wonderful selection of - can you guess?, which the bartender shucks himself. The bartender. Himself. That's like having an erection and peeing at the same time; nearly impossible. I haven't seen skills like that since I raced a 911 GT2 S and won. Granted, the car was parked, but facts are facts.


The second best place in Baltimore is Canton; home to Mamma's and other good bar/restaurants. Comparable to New Orleans (architecturally speaking), Canton is nothing more than a square of bars that mirror the French Quarter with old buildings that are around the clock bombarded with a rowdy, yet humble crowd. The kickball league usually regroups in this area after they kick ass! but they get sloppy. Portside Tavern is a good bar to choose, give or take a block outside the square. This is a locality for sure, which Canton seems to thrive upon. And if you like ridiculously salty food, their blackened Ahi Tuna Club is banging. If you're in the mood for hookah, there is a little lounge called Anubis owned by a Greek Egyptian. Odd combination, but so is hookah and pizza, which he insists on ordering for you if, I'm assuming, he finds you smoking. 


And last but not least there's Fells Point. I don't usually like giving credit when credit is due, but this is the only part of Baltimore worth visiting, so I surrender. It hosts the best variety of bars and restaurants for every pallet. The Cat's Eye Pub is amongst these bars, which isn't my favorite, but it's the most popular - a Baltimore legacy with live music 7/365. The cobblestoned streets have stayed true to their 1700 origin, which I appreciate, except when my brain and feet lack communication. Walk along the water by the rather stunning apartments, and you won't feel like you're in Baltimore anymore - and what the hell, walk alone. Everyone and their dad has what I would call a 'trophy dog,' (not wife), which I could write an entire entry on in and of itself, but won't. And once you meet and get acquainted with people in Fells, you'll know them for life, and (unfortunately) run into them on a regular basis. Hence the other self proclaimed name, 'Smalltimore.'


For me, the majority of Baltimore has been filled with massive loopholes and negative shortcomings, but finding Fells and the nice weather brought out some positivity. My overall judgement though, is that Baltimore still sucks and according to my list, the con's outweigh the pro's. I could never live in a place like this, and you shouldn't either. I'm glad to say we will be moving shortly. I would literally like to drive away from Baltimore and never look back, or at the very least, until our gasoline expires. 

Trailer

Soon enough, this blog will be moved over to expiredgasoline.com. Watch this trailer, or don't. It only took 3 months of footage, 2 months to make, and many sleepless nights of creating and editing. I guess unemployment made me crafty. And by that I mean crazy. 

Enjoyyy.

DelaWHERE?

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Another Fail

The National Aquarium was beyond disappointing. And that’s saying a lot because I was high [on life], which usually means either everything seems awesome to me or I see things for what they truly are. Latter. I even saw the dolphin show and the sharks, but I wasn’t impressed, and this is coming from someone who cried on Jaws in Orlando because that mechanical shark looked so real that it scared the shit out of me. The whole point of aquariums, zoos and animal exhibits is that you’re supposed to feel like you’re actually there, immersed in the animals habitat; because, you are. Here, I felt like I was watching a movie about 3 people, who were trapped inside a submarine, continually smacking an old TV, desperately trying to watch their own movie about an aquarium. That probably made no sense, but I stand by my vision. 

The ancient, semi-orbed, protruding tanks were lined with a cloudy film and too thick to see any detail. I thought I saw a fish with no eyes or gills but it was just the crud stuck to the glass that hid the truth. I’m pretty sure they haven’t changed anything, including their over-aged staff since the 70’s. I also found it rather ironic that they had fish on the menu in the cafeteria. Shame on you. I wouldn’t waste another minute or penny to see this ‘attraction.’ Free admission didn’t help whatsoever, and getting yelled at for eating a lollipop didn’t help either.

Overall though, I would like to state that none of that stopped me from being optimistic the entire time and giving every exhibit a fair chance. Sort of like giving a bad porno a chance; maybe fast-forwarding to the end because of impatience, or just feeling bad about yourself for watching too long. Sounds fishy, I know. Whatever, I was convinced I was going to leave with a good finish, but instead I left without even a decent bait.

The video below shows the only cool part I saw, and that was on the escalator, going down; go fis..figure.

True Story

One time, my friend visited Baltimore and took a shit in the backseat of a randomly parked car for no reason. When he bragged of the story, I was disgusted and mortified that I was even acquainted with such a person. I realize now that he deserves an award because Baltimore SUCKS, so whomever’s car that ‘shit’ went down in, probably deserved it.

Besides the astute Johns Hopkins bubble located downtown, the people here are degenerates, and I swear to God I get dumber every time I leave the house. Cave men roam the streets and I've noticed the safest thing to do is wear a hoodie and shades. I've also learned to find peace and serenity in watching my own feet as I walk, in order to avoid any human contact. The women here are downright ugly and the only men worth looking at are gay. Standards don’t exist, so I say get rid of Match.com and just relocate the desperate candidates to Baltimore because everyone here is guaranteed (their invalid attraction to) love & marriage.

Ok sure, this place has its high points, but even jail has camaraderie and free food. In other words, it’s the knock-off version of Boston.

Besides that, I’m having fun...mainly because I can have fun anywhere, and my roommate is a ginger. Plus there is a drive-thru Starbucks down the street and two country-music radio stations. Told you I’m easy to please.

Overall though, Baltimore is the type of place that you can act like a complete retard, walk out of the house a hot mess and wear sweatpants to the bar and no one thinks twice about it (this is actually preferred). So women who like laziness, letting yourself go or think J. Crew is high fashion, come on down! There’s an assured man at the end of every bar waiting for you (note the hunk below), who is ready and willing to take you home and knock you up instantaneously.

For those who want to visit the place, especially after this generous review, be prepared to out-drink yourself (because there’s nothing better to do), eat anything you can imagine (topped, stuffed or shoved with crab) and be classified as a stripper if you wear heels instead of flip flops. Women have literally barked obscenities at me & my shoes. And to anyone who knows me, you DON'T fuck with my shoes. Rowdy bitches.

Tomorrow Lo & I are going to the National Aquarium and I’m hoping the animals have a little more class than the general population, otherwise I’m going to upset this city and free Willy.

Moment of silence for Nate Dogg.  Your buttery voice will always be the main spread to my bread.  RIP.

Happy Holidays

For most Americans, St. Patrick’s Day celebrations began this weekend. Why? I never know, but I don’t really care because this superfluous holiday is to girls, what halloween is to guys. Or what it’s like for guys when the first warm day of the year strikes and girls retire pants for miniskirts. St. Patty’s Day forces men to wear green (this is a great thing), and they seem to multiply all over the place; flocking in packs, proudly celebrating drinking and bromance. Perhaps it’s my beer goggles talking again, or total lack of vision in general, but this is what I see and clearly what I like.

In honor of this, we got a couple of hotel rooms downtown to minimize driving and maximize partying. I am now currently running on 6 hours total sleep since Friday and seriously wondering why the fuck I didn’t jump out of our 14th story hotel window this morning to avoid life as a hungover person. (I KNOW YOU HAVE IT WORSE LO W. WORKING A 12 HOUR SHIFT, SO ILL KEEP THE COMPLAINING TO A MINIMUM). Seriously though, hotels here do not have screens and the windows open up completely. That tells me people are happy when they travel to Baltimore. Or no one gives a fuck about the idiots who fall out of windows.

So here is a sneak peak of how MY night ended on Saturday. Well, actually..I ended up passing out in the hotel lobby with a bag of Famous Amos cookies in my hand and crumbs all over my body. These clips happened right before that, I’m assuming. I am very surprised I wasn’t kidnapped or raped. But even more surprised that I managed to purchase Famous Amos cookies. I also made $33. That explanation will be saved for later. Thankfully, a very nice gentleman, and modern day version of a knight in shining armour, rescued me and carried me to my room. I seriously wonder how I’ve been alive for the past 25 years.

Cuisine Review

If anyone decides to visit Baltimore, it would be a tragedy to skip over Mama's On The Half Shell. Besides the tavern-like atmosphere & delicious Orange Crush beverages (not virgin, so don't offer to your children), the seafood is out of this world. Even if you don't like oysters (specifically fried, which is their specialty), you have plenty of other options to choose from. Portions are overly generous. A San Francisco native sitting next to us ordered fish and chips, and I'm not kidding when I say it looked more like medium-sized dog and chips. In a good way. Crab cakes here are not teased with bread, so dieters and seafood buffs alike can enjoy a good ol' lump of crab, without rushing to the gyno afterwards. And if you are a light weight and think Bloody Mary's are the cat's pajamas, get an oyster shooter: a Bloody Mary shot with a raw oyster immersed like buried treasure, posted below.  You won't go home sober or unsatisfied. 
I guess it's true.... Mama always knows best ;)

No shoes, no shirt, no problem.  Sharing a wall with neighbors who insist on having sex at 5:30 am on a bed with a not-screwed-in-tight-enough headboard; problem.

They have massholes in Maryland?