Aside from my imaginary brother, George, who brings home lots of hot, ripped guy friends for me, I guess you would consider me an only child. But that doesn't mean I'm spoiled. However, being born and raised in NY does, and apart from other countries I've been to, I'm worried that nothing in this one will ever compare to Manhattan. That being said, I'm screwed. But on the bright side, I have figured out why, although still in disagreement, and after much confusion, people refer to Baltimore as 'Charm City.' They're obviously jaded and terribly misguided, or just sheltered and stupid. Or maybe they're slaves and don't have the authority to say, 'get me the hell out of here.' Nonetheless, since my virginity's gone, I'd like you to take my advice, which can be inferred if reading continues.
There are only four parts to Baltimore worth mentioning, from best (Fells Point & Canton) to worst (Federal Hill & the Inner Harbor). My first venture around 'Charm City,' although it should be called, 'Harm City' or better yet, 'Piece of Shit. Do Not Enter. Turn Around. Wrong Way. Entering Hell,' was to the Inner Harbor, hence my disdain. It's where tourists gather to see the harbor, bums and criminals join forces to rob, murder, rape and pillage them (technically, not complaining), and the ones that get away celebrate their useless lives at P.F. Changs, Cheesecake Factory or Dicks and finish up their outing by shopping at Target. Matching Orioles pajamas! Death. But there is no real character there. Not to mention it's a disaster to get to, drive through, park or feel safe to walk around, even in broad daylight. So I don't care if Lucy Liu was putting on a free show there, naked, spread eagle and strapped into a harness, proving that Asians do in fact have sideways genitals, stay away from the IH.
The second to worse place in Baltimore is Federal Hill. The first (and last time) I went there, I was relieved to see females in stilettos and the likes, but obviously it takes more than that to make the world a better place. This is a hubble for the younger crowd, so I wouldn't go back. Of course, compared to the Inner Harbor and where I live (Perry Hall, a suburb 15 minutes outside the city), it's okay. I had gyro pizza which was actually awesome, granted anything is actually awesome at 2 a.m. But if you're there for any reason during the day, Ryleigh's Oyster has a wonderful selection of - can you guess?, which the bartender shucks himself. The bartender. Himself. That's like having an erection and peeing at the same time; nearly impossible. I haven't seen skills like that since I raced a 911 GT2 S and won. Granted, the car was parked, but facts are facts.
The second best place in Baltimore is Canton; home to Mamma's and other good bar/restaurants. Comparable to New Orleans (architecturally speaking), Canton is nothing more than a square of bars that mirror the French Quarter with old buildings that are around the clock bombarded with a rowdy, yet humble crowd. The kickball league usually regroups in this area after they kick ass! but they get sloppy. Portside Tavern is a good bar to choose, give or take a block outside the square. This is a locality for sure, which Canton seems to thrive upon. And if you like ridiculously salty food, their blackened Ahi Tuna Club is banging. If you're in the mood for hookah, there is a little lounge called Anubis owned by a Greek Egyptian. Odd combination, but so is hookah and pizza, which he insists on ordering for you if, I'm assuming, he finds you smoking.
And last but not least there's Fells Point. I don't usually like giving credit when credit is due, but this is the only part of Baltimore worth visiting, so I surrender. It hosts the best variety of bars and restaurants for every pallet. The Cat's Eye Pub is amongst these bars, which isn't my favorite, but it's the most popular - a Baltimore legacy with live music 7/365. The cobblestoned streets have stayed true to their 1700 origin, which I appreciate, except when my brain and feet lack communication. Walk along the water by the rather stunning apartments, and you won't feel like you're in Baltimore anymore - and what the hell, walk alone. Everyone and their dad has what I would call a 'trophy dog,' (not wife), which I could write an entire entry on in and of itself, but won't. And once you meet and get acquainted with people in Fells, you'll know them for life, and (unfortunately) run into them on a regular basis. Hence the other self proclaimed name, 'Smalltimore.'
For me, the majority of Baltimore has been filled with massive loopholes and negative shortcomings, but finding Fells and the nice weather brought out some positivity. My overall judgement though, is that Baltimore still sucks and according to my list, the con's outweigh the pro's. I could never live in a place like this, and you shouldn't either. I'm glad to say we will be moving shortly. I would literally like to drive away from Baltimore and never look back, or at the very least, until our gasoline expires.
No comments:
Post a Comment